I all the time do my finest to finish the week on a optimistic notice (that’s a complete lie, at no level have I ever made a concerted effort to strike a optimistic notice at any level within the week), so I hope you’ll be part of me in celebrating the protected return of lacking gravel biker Ralph Sawyer, who I had no thought was even lacking till I noticed this text:

Apparently he’d been lacking since July eleventh, which is a very long time, even for a gravel experience:

Oregon’s Clackamas County Sheriff’s Workplace introduced right now (July 17) that gravel biker Ralph Sawyer, who has been the topic of an intensive search within the Mount Hood Nationwide Forest since July 11, is protected and at dwelling.

“It was reported to the Sheriff’s Workplace that he discovered his automobile on East Nonetheless Creek Highway and drove it again to his dwelling in Gresham,” the CCSO mentioned in a information launch. “Mr. Sawyer confirmed as much as a neighbor’s home drained, chilly, soiled, and worn out. Gresham Police confirmed it was him and he was transported to a neighborhood hospital to be checked out.”

Should you’re an beginner biking sleuth then little question you instantly thought you had it discovered: clearly he should have headed out for a gravel experience on a motorcycle not particularly designed for gravel, proper? Nevertheless, a fast scan of the sheriff’s workplace updates disproves that concept:

In truth they affirm that his bike was “particularly designed for gravel roads:”

The search and rescue mission to find lacking mountain biker Ralph Sawyer within the Mount Hood Nationwide Forest is constant right now, Monday, July 14, 2025. Mr. Sawyer was reported lacking late Friday night time after not getting back from a deliberate mountain biking journey utilizing a motorcycle particularly designed for gravel roads.

Although they do name it a “deliberate mountain biking journey,” which does suggest he may have been “underbiking.” Given this, it will even be useful to know the next:

• Did the bike have suspension?
• Did the bike have a dropper publish?
• What stress was he operating?
• Did the bike have a kind of built-in downtube compartments, and if that’s the case was he capable of crawl into it and search shelter at night time?
• Was he adequately hydrated due to cutting-edge French lactation expertise?

Regardless of the case, it’s abundantly clear he was not driving a correct gravel car:

His blue Kia Soul together with his mobile phone inside was situated by search groups in a parking zone after midnight on July 12, however no different clues had been found within the six days Sawyer was lacking. The search concerned a number of businesses, volunteers, pararescuers from the Portland Air Nationwide Guard and a Hood River Sheriff’s Workplace search aircraft. The search space spanned some 250 miles.

I’m sorry, what?!?

Certain, they might present it on gravel, however by no means must you ever try to drive to a gravel experience in a car like this. Anybody who reads the Desert Hipster Web site is aware of the one acceptable car for graveling is a classic Toyota product comparable to a Land Cruiser, a Lexus constructed on the Prado platform, or maybe a Tacoma. These succesful autos are capable of deal with the kind of terrain that might be simply as simply traversed in a Subaru Crosstrek, with the added benefit of burning far more gasoline.

Much more placing is that this:

His blue Kia Soul together with his mobile phone inside was situated by search groups in a parking zone after midnight on July 12

This man is married? To a lady? And he didn’t have his telephone on him whereas he was using?!?

I don’t imply to be heteronormative while speaking about Oregonians, however that’s not how a well-trained male bicycle owner behaves.

In any case, the search apparently spanned 250 miles, so we will a minimum of make certain he wasn’t using the brand new $14,000 Pinarello DOGMA GR since you’ll be able to’t even go 200 miles on it:

It’s additionally potential he tried to Jesus-carry his bike, however as a result of he didn’t have the brand new Grizl he as a substitute obtained trapped beneath it:

Or he could have merely gotten a flat and it took him seven days to get the goddamn tubeless tire seated.

However the largest query of all is what occurs with the GoFundMe cash:

A GoFundMe web page has raised practically $16,000 for Sawyer’s search. It’s unclear what’s going to turn into of those funds. The web page creator posted July 17: “***THE BEST OUTCOME*** After 6 days and nights, Ralph made it again to his automobile, drove himself dwelling, and arrived at a neighbor’s home drained, chilly, soiled, and worn out. He’s at a neighborhood hospital being checked out. The desire to dwell is robust on this one. The help this neighborhood confirmed Marci and her household throughout this time is actually superb. From search and rescue, emotional help, prayers, and financially by means of this GoFundMe. Thanks all a lot! Time to exhale with reduction and rejoice LIFE.”

Effectively, the brand new Pinarello DOGMA GR that may’t go 200 miles is just $14,000. So if he buys a kind of it ought to preserve him out of hassle sooner or later. Both that, or he ought to simply purchase a used Subaru Crosstrek.

Simply don’t go away your telephone in it.