As chances are you’ll know should you had been caught in site visitors because of the street closures, his previous Sunday was the [look up how many of these things there have been]th operating of the TD 5 Boro Bike Tour:

And as their official spokesperson dirtbag who makes promotional movies for them I partook in it as soon as once more.

They are saying the Tour de France is gained in mattress, which silly, as a result of everyone is aware of the Tour de France is gained on the bathroom, and should you don’t imagine me simply attempt to journey a mountain stage with out having a passable bowel motion. Equally, 5 Boro Bike Tour is “gained” (regardless that it’s not a race) on the registration packet pickup, and on Friday afternoon I headed all the way down to get mine.

And get mine I did.

It began out auspiciously sufficient, when I discovered a shiny new Dominical Peso on a hundred and fifty fifth Avenue:

The streets of New York actually are paved with gold.

From there, my luck solely improved after I stopped in a Central Park restroom and had no harrowing experiences in any respect:

That’s foreshadowing, by the best way.

Rising from the south finish of the park, I forsook the town’s bicycle infrastructure and did it the quaint approach by becoming a member of the automotive site visitors on fifth Avenue:

I’m all for bike lanes and stuff, however this stays the easiest way to get your self downtown in a rush, and earlier than lengthy I discovered myself on the packet pickup location. That is when issues took a flip for the more severe–within the very gentle sense than something may be characterised as “worse” in my decidedly charmed existence:

When I went to choose up my packet final 12 months, I needed to wait on an extended line, so I used to be fairly happy to seek out there was none this time. I don’t know if this was as a result of it was throughout the day when regular productive members of society are at work, or due to the rain that had been forecasted for Sunday and other people had been retreating, however both approach it appeared as if this time I may saunter proper in–and saunter I did, with bicycle in tow. Nonetheless, I had barely begun to wheel the Homer throughout the edge when my ahead progress was impeded by a workers member.

“You’ll be able to’t deliver your bike in right here,” he knowledgeable me.

Adopting my regular attitudinal admixture of stupidity and entitlement, I assured him that sure I may and tried to proceed, although the staffer was determined. Ordinarily at this level I’d cede the argument. Nonetheless, not solely did I’ve nothing to guard my bike however the flimsy lock I maintain within the Homer’s saddlebag only for emergencies, however I additionally introduced my bike in with me final 12 months with out incident:

So I knowledgeable him of this, to which he replied they don’t enable bikes in there as a result of there’s not sufficient room for them given the hundreds upon hundreds of riders they need to serve, which struck me as a spurious argument since not solely was the place fairly empty, however I’d been completely welcome in there with my bike final 12 months when the place was a complete mob scene. He then switched tacks, saying that if I had been going to a hockey recreation I wouldn’t count on to have the ability to deliver my bike in with me, now would I? This I discovered doubly vexing, inasmuch this was the registration packet pickup for a motorcycle tour and never a hockey recreation. In truth whilst I sort this I stay deeply perturbed by the entire hockey recreation analogy. Positive, I wouldn’t count on to deliver my bike to my seat with me if I had been going to see the Rangers at Madison Sq. Backyard, but when I had been selecting up my registration for a hockey match I wouldn’t count on to be turned away as a result of I used to be carrying my stick and my skates.

Throughout this alternate one other rider arrived and tried to enter the constructing along with his bicycle, and he in all probability would have walked proper in too, because the solely staffer who appeared to care was presently busy coping with me. However sadly for the rider, I needed the staffer to know I wasn’t the one one who thought bringing a motorcycle to choose up a motorcycle tour registration packet was a wonderfully cheap factor to do, and so I pointed the opposite rider out with nice smugness. It was someplace round this time it occurred to me I ought to in all probability cease making an ass of myself, and so I forfeited the controversy, locked up the Homer and walked into the constructing unaccompanied:

Whereas the Homer sat there wedged between two crowd management obstacles and tethered by a lock solely marginally stronger than a hair scrunchy, I had an virtually grotesque quantity of area to myself:

Ebulliently, extra staffers guided me to the registration desk:

And everybody was so pleasant and solicitous I attempted my hardest to not discover the presence of a number of bikes, which match simply the venue with out being even remotely obtrusive:

Clutching my registration supplies, I then exited by the use of the merchandise corridor:

Merchandising, merchandising! The place the actual cash from the tour is made:

It was fairly a tantalizing unfold:

However I couldn’t concentrate on the protein-infused water:

Or the charity ride-crushing Business 9 wheelsets:

As a result of all I noticed had been bikes inside:

And extra bikes inside:

And even a automotive with bikes on it inside!

Simply kidding:

I imply yeah, I noticed all these issues, however I’m not bitter. Actually, I’m not. In truth I used to be in such excessive spirits I requested some pretty folks to take an image of me in entrance of the route map:

And whereas the world could appear the wrong way up at occasions:

Ultimately the Homer was nonetheless there ready for me after I emerged, and I stuffed my registration supplies into its capacious saddlebag:

Recounting this now, it happens to me that not solely was my bike nonetheless there, nevertheless it was in all probability extra handy for me to depart it outdoors inasmuch as I didn’t need to wheel it round with me whereas analyzing the protein-infused waters and charity ride-crushing wheelsets. Furthermore, as somebody who not solely obtained a complimentary registration however was additionally duly compensated by the organizers for making a promotional video, maybe I mustn’t have pushed the difficulty within the first place. Nonetheless, there’s a phrase for people who find themselves merely grateful for what they’ve and don’t demand extra on high of it, and that phrase is LOSERS.

In any case, with my registration supplies now safely in hand (or in bag), I rode previous iconic New York Metropolis companies comparable to Steinway & Sons, who make massive playable furnishings gadgets:

And naturally Chick-fil-A, which was based in 1906 the Chickstein household, who used to promote schnitzel from a pushcart on the Decrease East facet:

Although there’s arguably no model extra generally related to New York Metropolis than Taco Bell:

From there I made my approach over to the Hudson River Greenway, the place I used to be lastly free from the hubbub:

And the place I additionally had one other satisfyingly non-harrowing rest room expertise:

That’s extra lavatorial portent, and I’ll get to it in tomorrow’s put up, however within the meantime let’s admire the dimensions of these floor-to-waist urinals and the way during which their grandeur echoes the arches of the close by George Washington Bridge:

Hardly ever have I felt so fulfilled while voiding.