It’s a great factor that Australia is all the way in which on the opposite aspect of the planet as a result of my worst nightmare is by some means getting combined up within the World Bare Bike Trip:

The World Bare Bike Trip combines the 2 issues I consider individuals shouldn’t flaunt publicly: their exuberance, and their genitals. Positive, there’s a time and a spot for each, however I shouldn’t should take care of both of them on my strategy to work. Nevertheless, some individuals really feel fairly otherwise, and so they relish being surrounded by a bunch fellow riders whose ass cheeks are indistinguishable from their saddlebags:

The concept of World Bare Bike Trip contributors attempting vigorously and vainly to wipe issues off of one another’s faces and different physique components is now going to hang-out my goals.

After all, that is Australia, so whereas the contributors received’t be carrying garments, they are going to be carrying helmets:

It appears to me when you actually wished to make a degree about liberating cyclists from the tyranny of fossil fuels and the motorized vehicle industrial complicated you’d have a World Helmetless Bike Trip. It doesn’t even make sense from a security perspective, as a result of when you’re going to fall off your bike, which might you slightly be carrying: a helmet, or pants? “Positive, I’ve acquired a saddle sore the scale of a cantaloupe on my scranus and street rash alongside all the size of my penis, however thank goodness I used to be carrying a helmet!” However I assume individuals in Australia are so deeply conditioned that they’ll journey round bare and in helmets with out experiencing any cognitive dissonance.

And talking of saddle sores, why drag the poor harmless bicycle into this disgusting mess, anyway? Wouldn’t the best automobile for driving bare be an e-scooter?

I’m not an enormous fan of them myself, however objectively talking there’s actually no higher contraption for bare driving, because you get most visibility and minimal crotchal chafing, to not point out wonderful airflow round and thru your undercarriage.

However in fact the World Bare Bike Trip isn’t about sensible concerns, it’s about “desexualizing the human physique:”

Hey, how’s that figuring out for you, Australia?

And don’t overlook an important consideration in any respect–the local weather!

The conspiracy must be apparent to anybody who’s learn the newest Trek Sustainability Report:

Do you know they’re portray their bikes with natural supplies now?

Their emblem is even comprised of “biomass waste:”

Right here’s what biomass waste means:

World Bare Bike Trip? Physique paint? Paint comprised of biomass waste?!?

ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION NOW???

That’s proper, inside 5 years the biking business goes to get rid of clothes altogether. As an alternative, you’ll journey bare, and so they’ll promote you a can of manure and sewage sludge to color your self with earlier than the large journey. Possibly it’ll even include an entire banana peel you should use as a chamois.

However let’s not lose sight of the truth that the most important supply of Trek’s emissions isn’t the paint, or the clothes, and even the helmets. It’s the bicycles themselves:

Appears fairly clear to me that Trek ought to cease making bikes.